Game Show of Arda
by Tears of Telperion
Summary: Ah, yes. Middle-earth has another game show on a block, and it's hosted by Fëanor. Silly silliness. Rated for language and Fëanor's perverted nature.


Stupid... this is just utterly stupid.  
  
Disclaimer: As if you don't know, none of these characters belong to be, unless they are the piranhas or audience members. Hooray for owning pitiful characters!  
  
---  
  
Cheesy and yet ever classic music begins to play, as everyone's favourite kinslayer comes nancing out onto the spiffy stage. Spiffy is such a good word.  
  
Fëanor: Welcome one and all to the first ever Game Show of Arda!  
  
Audience Member: Actually, this has been done before.  
  
Fëanor: Well- I bet it's never been hosted by me before!  
  
Audience Member: Aren't you dead?  
  
Fëanor: ...I was brought back to host.  
  
Audience Member: Mandos isn't that nice.  
  
Fëanor: I think that's enough questions from the peanut gallery!  
  
Audience Member: I'm not a peanut, you bastard. -.-  
  
Fëanor: Yes, well... Now for our first contestants! All the way from Gondor and Lórien, these are two friends who enjoy muttering inaudibly, and fighting Orcs. Everyone welcome Aragorn and Haldir to the show.  
  
Aragorn and Haldir: *slink out*  
  
Fëanor: Tell us. Why are you here today?  
  
Aragorn: Because I accidentally lost in a poker game and ah... lost Gondor. Now I have to get it back.  
  
Haldir: And I'm here because I gambled away myself to this guy who has a crush on me. So... uh... yea.  
  
Fëanor: I am disturbed.  
  
Haldir: So was I.  
  
Fëanor: Ahem. On with the show! To win the prize money, you must walk a rope of dental floss over this pool of flesh eating piranhas!  
  
Aragorn: WHAT!?  
  
Fëanor: Yes indeed. Then you must get drunk and go skinny-dipping in a pool of jell-o together.  
  
Haldir: Free drinks? We're in!  
  
Aragorn: HALDIR!  
  
Fëanor: Okay! You accept the challenge.  
  
Aragorn: But I-  
  
Fëanor: You're a scruffy ranger with greasy hair, we know. You'll do fine.  
  
Aragorn: *twitch*  
  
Fëanor: Right then. Who in the audience thinks they'll do it?  
  
Crickets: *chirp*  
  
Fëanor: The odds against you two are hysterically low. I am amused. Now get up there, you guys!  
  
Haldir: Come on, Aragorn. We don't want to look like idiots on national TV.  
  
Aragorn: You would rather die?  
  
Haldir: ...It's already happened. *prods Peter Jackson voodoo doll*  
  
Peter Jackson: OW! x_X  
  
Fëanor: Oh, before you go... Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: What?  
  
Fëanor: When- I mean... IF you die, can I grope your wife?  
  
Aragorn: Bastard.  
  
Fëanor: I'm getting that a lot today.  
  
Haldir: I want drinks. Get up there, my friend! *push*  
  
Aragorn: Gaaaaaaaah. *stumbles onto the line of dental floss*  
  
Haldir: *follows happily* Ale, ale, ale, ale, ale...  
  
Piranha #1: Ooh! Looky, boys! We've got lunch.  
  
Piranha #2: Mmmm. Flesh. *jumps* ... *pause* GOOD FISH ALMIGHTY! What the hell is that smell?  
  
Piranha #1: ...AGGGH! GREASY HUMAN! RETREAT!  
  
All: *hides in the corner of the tank*  
  
Aragorn: I knew bad hygiene would pay off some day.  
  
Fëanor: o.o That was excruciatingly lucky. Um... okay! On to the nearest tavern, my friends!  
  
Haldir: We're not your friends.  
  
Fëanor: I'm giving you free drinks. Shut up.  
  
Haldir: Works for me! *skips off to the makeshift tavern that has been rolled out onto the stage*  
  
Aragorn: Sometimes I wonder if I should get a new best friend...  
  
~Two Hours Later~  
  
Haldir: *blind drunk* So THEN I say, my cheese is holier than your cheese!  
  
Aragorn: *is as well* Y'don't say?  
  
Haldir: I does! *giggles madly*  
  
Fëanor: .___. Good Valar. Please say they're drunk enough to partake in the competition.  
  
Insane author that shall remain nameless: I suppose so.  
  
Fëanor: Then... bring out the pool of jell-o!  
  
And on cue, four scantily-clad warrior-ladies* come out, bringing a giant tub of red and wiggling 'food' on wheels with them.  
  
Fëanor: *drool* Scantily-claaaaad.  
  
Scantily-clad Warrior-lady #1: Pervert.  
  
Telerin Audience Member: Murderer!  
  
Insane author that shall remain nameless: Piss-ass mop!  
  
All: ...  
  
Insane author that shall remain nameless: Forget I said that.  
  
Fëanor: Hnnn. I resent this constant Fëanor-bashing. Aaaanyway. Haldir! Aragorn! Get out of your clothing, and jump on in!  
  
Aragorn and Haldir: *go prancing into the tub full of jell-o in naught but their skin*  
  
Sam: Stop stealing my lines!  
  
Fëanor: Streaking party!  
  
Hair-Dye Commercial: And stop stealing -our- lines.  
  
Insane author that shall remain nameless: I've got the uuuurge to herbal!  
  
Fëanor: The hell was that? oO;;  
  
Insane author that shall remain nameless: No parody can be complete without making a mockery of the sexualized shampoo commercial.  
  
Fëanor: Fair enough. Let's check up on our contestants! Looky there! They seem to be doing some odd rendition of Swan Lake.  
  
This will not be described in detail.  
  
Fëanor: How very grand indeed. In any case, we're out of time! Please join us next time, where we'll be having Glorfindel and Elrohir for contestants! Until then, have a pleasant evening and drive safely if you're tuning into this episode from a bar, and have consumed large amounts of alcohol.  
  
...  
  
Fëanor: And if you've seen my Simarils, please return them to me at once, lest my wrath be bestowed upon you!  
  
Audience: O_O  
  
Fëanor: ^^' Good night!  
  
---  
  
*This is my Sissle's character's trademark. Don't take it, or Durian will get pissed. ._.;  
  
Ahem. I think I really do need help. Please review if you even halfway liked it, and do even if you didn't! Although any flames saying how this is a mockery to Tolkien's genius will be given to my pet Balrog, FiFi LaFlame. It's a bloody parody, damnit. -.-  
  
No characters were harmed during the making of this fanfiction.  
  
Aragorn: Indeed. 


End file.
